Author: Madhuri

Writer - Children's Fiction & Ghost Writer

What are Rules

Buddha had said, “Doubt everything. Find your own light.”

With this, when we begin to question the rules we live by,

There’s a lot of dead wood there.

Rules, and by virtue of that, morals and values

Aren’t about meeting customs and conventions.

But, discarding rules can lead to lack of purpose and chaos.

Creating simple guiding principles keeps this at bay.

What are rules? The difference between right and wrong in thoughts, words and acts.

What is right? That which does good to others and to you.

What is wrong? That which doesn’t hurt others or you.

These simple principles help us live

Without worry, but with care for all.

The Year That’s Past

I woke one middle of the night a week ago with my shoulders hunched. The saddest things of the year stood out in my mind. The things that I was to achieve but didn’t, the people who had passed on and the friends who were going through setbacks – these things went round and round in my head.

The year couldn’t have been that bad! I decided then to make a list for the year that was past.

Many good. Some harsh. Some not so good, but others have had it worse. This is my list for the year gone.

  • Moved fully out of corporate. Not even part time sitting in offices any more. Considering that I am far more comfortable sitting by myself and writing than interacting and handling the thousand other things that happen in offices, this is one grand achievement for me.
  • Wrote the Nilgai story. Got decent reviews from friends and family.
  • Began rewriting Nilgai story and it sounds far better.
  • Got first cheque from the first freelance client’s client.
  • Trouble for friend from all sides. They are reaching a peak.
  • Got call for another freelance work.
  • Got legally divorced.
  • Learnt the value and warmth of my in-laws once more.
  • In regular touch with niece.
  • Got control over what I eat. I don’t know how it came about, one morning I woke and I no longer wanted to snack at all hours. What relief!
  • More involvement in meditation.
  • Started Reiki again at the very end of the year.
  • Talking to mom and dad and sis and cousins regular.
  • Less irritability. Feels more peaceful.
  • Enjoying driving the car.
  • Did the second freelance work. Vexing, but done.
  • I pick up the courage to ask uncle, if my children story writing future will work. He was categorical. He said it should have happened last year. But go ahead beta he said. Nothing to look back, be it stories, be it money.
  • Uncle has stood by me from the darkest time of my life to the time when the sun is rising again. He’s been a guide to me for a full 10 years. This year he passed on. He’s the one I looked up to for advice, a look into the future and guidance these past years when there didn’t seem to be a road ahead. A lump in the throat even now.
  • My uncle, dad’s brother, who treated us as his own, passed on. We all believed he had a good decade and more. Too early for him. Too painful for us. Heartbreaking for cousins who need him still. Can’t get my head around the fact that he’s not walking in that house any more.
  • At least got the chance to be with him in September.
  • Brother-in-law steps in to support family in his quiet way.
  • Finished a kid’s short story.
  • Publisher wants to see the full manuscript.
  • Ghost writing a book for the first client.
  • Ghost writing offer confirmed from another client.
  • Friend getting married. Whoopee!
  • Got another story idea when thinking of daughter. It’s one I can’t just set aside, a must write story. Can’t wait to begin!

 

Even after making this list, when I sit alone, the first things that come to mind are the difficult ones. But now, I have this list and there are so many things to be grateful for.

When my shoulders hunch, all I have to do is look at this list.

 

Giving up Intelligence

“Submit your intelligence to the Paramatma,” advises an old issue of Rishi Sabha from Sri Sri Publications.

 

That it is the intelligence that separates your atma from the Paramatma. When you submit, you let go of your ego.

 

I decided to do that. To me it meant the equivalent of saying, “Dear God, This intelligence is a thing I’ve struggled to believe in most of my life. Strangely, I have also struggled to contain the ego that comes with believing in my intelligence. This intelligence is actually yours. So take it and do what you want with it. When I need it, I will come asking for some – enough to help me by.”

 

So, when I mentally submitted my intelligence to the Paramatma, or God in my words, it was a letting go – Freedom from a heavy burden, of all my notions of intelligence.

 

Suddenly, I was free of being intelligent or dumb, creative or straight-jacketed, free of my opinions – which I believed were the truth – and the resultant debates and discussions, some external, others dangerously internal, working in a continuous loop in my own head.

 

I had a glimpse of what I could be free of – I am this and you are that, there’s a letting go of superiority and inferiority, of being right or wrong, with no need to prove myself to self or any one, to succeed or fail and the freedom not to have an opinion about innumerable things. This leaves me with space to do so much more.

 

Letting go of this intelligence and all its attachments gives me the freedom to do what comes naturally and that’s the whole point behind being creative. And plenty other things.

 

All that remains is to choose this freedom. I could so easily continue to refuse it.

 

My Daughter Said…

Today, after a long time, Priya asked me for a drive.

I don’t say no to the drives because that’s when she talks to me – even a 15 minute talk is good enough considering that most of us don’t get to communicate in a two-way street with our teens. But today was a longer one.

She said, “Mom, you are lenient with me.”

I can’t feel good about that. I’m supposed to maintain the perfect balance – not too harsh, not too lenient. But I got to thinking and decided to explain to her how the rules worked. These rules help me decide the freedom I give to her.

Non-Critical Things

That the thing is not so critical that I can’t give her a long rope. Reluctance to clean up, keeping in touch with family kind of things. In such things, I let her have some leeway after of course telling her what’s the right course and what’s not. And let her learn from it. Touch wood, she does, sometimes within months, sometimes in a year or two. Even then, it takes her a while to gear herself up to act on it, but with some gentle nudges she does it.

Blocked Out

These are things where she blocks me out and will not listen. No amount of explaining, cajoling, yelling and placing limits helps. She will do what she wants to do and I simply have to wait to hold her when she comes back with tears in her eyes. In those cases, I keep doing the explaining, cajoling, yelling and placing limits – not direct limits, but indirect ones that give her little time to do her stuff – but wait with as much patience as I can while trying to keep frustration in mental check. Unhealthy friendships fall into this category.

Critical Things

These are things where she has to do what I see is good for her and absolutely necessary. Like her academics and her food habits. I can’t say I am wholly satisfied, but by and large, ok with what she does. I wish I could add exercise habits here, but unfortunately, it rests in the non-critical category currently because she’s in her 12th. At any given point in time, there’s just so many things one can place in the critical category.

So our relation lives on in a healthy form and we share a good laugh often. I believe we are friends to the extent that I answer her discomfiting questions – if she’s asked the question, she’s probably ready to hear some part of the answer and I remain a parent whom she respects and listens to – by and large.

Do I take credit for this? Not wholly. I am lucky to have her.

When Do You Decide What’s Not Right for You?

When you can’t hold value to what you are doing?

When it goes against your values?

When the people you deal with work against your values?

When the work system is diametrically opposite your method of work?

When your work isn’t important to those around?

When your well-being is a matter of words but not in practice for your bosses?

 

Any of the above is my answer.

 

On the flip side, when do you decide what’s right for you?

 

When there is nothing else you’d rather be doing than this little piece of work that you’re born to do. It may be the tiniest cog in a vast wheel, but it’s all you can think of doing. It feels so important that you cannot let a day go by without regret that you haven’t set your hand to it.

Creating Trust

Some are wired to trust. Others to distrust.

I choose to trust. It’s a happier way to live life.

But when we want to trust others, we have to give them a reason to trust us too. How do we do that?

  • We shall not cheat or lie
  • We shall deliver what we promise
  • We shall be open and fair
  • We shall not be quick to take offense
  • We shall not intrude into others’ space through thought, speech or action.

It could be the most uncomfortable thing to do. Yet, we need to do it consistently irrespective of what people think. Sometimes it means saying what others don’t want to hear. Other times it means not saying things they want to hear because it’s not the truthful thing to say.

But when we do these uncomfortable things, we create a close circle of family and friends who make our own lives meaningful and stable.

It’s strange how often we make it impossible for others to trust us. When we do that, we take away their peace of mind. We intrude into their personal space in the most negative manner. We make the world a darker place.

Why create such a place when we can so easily create a better world by giving others plenty of chance to trust us?

 

Figure a Human

Figure a Human

There are two opposite ends at which you can figure the nature of a human with clarity.

Pushed to a Corner —————————————- Complete Freedom of Choice

 

When they are pushed to a corner

Do they lash out at those around?

Do they find it hard to wish well for others?

Do they trample over others to find their survival?

 

When they have freedom of choice

Do they choose to throw only crumbs for others?

Do they choose to meet their own needs that take away others’ freedom?

Do they choose to see the dark stuff in others whether it exists or not?

All of us are pushed to a corner at some time. We have great freedom of choice many times.

What we choose to do during these times is what defines our character. Each such act sets the direction of our character.

How I Knew My Calling

My friend asked me – How did you know that writing’s your calling?

I didn’t. The calling found me.

Try a Bunch of Things – I had to try a few things before the calling struck me as the right one. Some people simply know. Others have to muddle their way through. I am a muddler.

Recognize the Thing you Like – I didn’t recognize it at first. Writing was just another thing I did because I had time to spare. I wrote the first short story for my two-year old. Ideas for more stories turned up. Then I liked it more. It fit my nature like a hand in glove and I was a better person when writing.

Work the Kinks Out. Better Still, Don’t Get Caught in One – I wrote for a few years. But when given a chance to do marketing, I took it after I made sure I would still be writing. My post graduation had been in management. For years, I had the niggling thought that I haven’t done that. Maybe I took it because I had to get the kink of management out of my system. Slowly, marketing took over and I was writing nothing at all. But, sanity returned and I found myself getting bored with marketing.

Your Calling Keeps Coming Back – For a While At Least – Meanwhile, writing receded to a deep corner. But opportunities kept coming once in a while. Writing didn’t let me forget it.

Plenty of Ways to make a Tough Choice Easy – Part-time, Night Time, Early Morn Time, Weekend Time – I tried them all. Then a day came when I had to make the choice – to stick with marketing and keep my financial life comfortable and stable. Or walk from it and do what I loved. Thank God, I walked – despite the uncertainty of not having money beyond six months and of not knowing if I’d ever get published.

Gives Happiness – I realize, the path is the destination.  I’ve been having the greatest time since I gave myself to writing kids’ stories. Success will come in its own sweet time. Or not.