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Because of Winn-Dixie

I was reading “Because of Winn-Dixie” by Kate DiCamillo. It’s the story of a preacher’s daughter – India Opal Buloni – who comes by a stray dog in the new town they move into, calls him Winn-Dixie and takes him home.

Opal begins to clean in a pet shop to save enough money to buy a leather collar and leash for Winn-Dixie. But she comes to know that the store manager had been to jail. Then she becomes friendly with an old lady, Gloria Dump and tells her about the store manager. Opal needs to know if she should be afraid of him.

To answer her, Gloria takes her to a big, old tree in her overgrown backyard. Hanging on the tree were bottles. “There were whiskey bottles and beer bottles and wine bottles all tied on with string, and some of them were clanking against each other and making a spooky kind of noise.”

Opal asks Gloria why all those bottles were on the tree. Gloria tells her they were to keep the ghosts away – “The ghosts of all the things I done wrong.”

That touched a chord and I am writing this post.

All the things I did wrong clank like I tied them up a tree

Sometimes they are strong like there’s a strong wind

Sometimes it’s just a bit of noise in the background

But they are never totally gone.

Some are things I couldn’t get for myself

I was supposed to reach a point

But life’s a twister and I didn’t reach that point

I set these ghosts to rest. They aren’t worth a bottle on the tree.

Some are times of shame and embarrassment

When I didn’t follow the rules

Of our culture and times

I set these ghosts to rest. They aren’t worth a bottle on the tree.

Some are things I did that hurt somebody

It doesn’t matter that I didn’t mean to hurt

That I was just being myself

They still hurt another.

The things that hurt others clank the hardest

I would tie them up a big old tree any day

So that the smallest wind clanks them hard

And I can’t hear a thing but them.

Hurting others. That’s the only ghosts I’d tie a bottle up in the tree for.

But sometimes, there’s no choice

But to do the thing, the right thing

Knowing there’s going to be

A bottle up the tree tomorrow.

What are Rules

Buddha had said, “Doubt everything. Find your own light.”

With this, when we begin to question the rules we live by,

There’s a lot of dead wood there.

Rules, and by virtue of that, morals and values

Aren’t about meeting customs and conventions.

But, discarding rules can lead to lack of purpose and chaos.

Creating simple guiding principles keeps this at bay.

What are rules? The difference between right and wrong in thoughts, words and acts.

What is right? That which does good to others and to you.

What is wrong? That which doesn’t hurt others or you.

These simple principles help us live

Without worry, but with care for all.

My Daughter Said…

Today, after a long time, Priya asked me for a drive.

I don’t say no to the drives because that’s when she talks to me – even a 15 minute talk is good enough considering that most of us don’t get to communicate in a two-way street with our teens. But today was a longer one.

She said, “Mom, you are lenient with me.”

I can’t feel good about that. I’m supposed to maintain the perfect balance – not too harsh, not too lenient. But I got to thinking and decided to explain to her how the rules worked. These rules help me decide the freedom I give to her.

Non-Critical Things

That the thing is not so critical that I can’t give her a long rope. Reluctance to clean up, keeping in touch with family kind of things. In such things, I let her have some leeway after of course telling her what’s the right course and what’s not. And let her learn from it. Touch wood, she does, sometimes within months, sometimes in a year or two. Even then, it takes her a while to gear herself up to act on it, but with some gentle nudges she does it.

Blocked Out

These are things where she blocks me out and will not listen. No amount of explaining, cajoling, yelling and placing limits helps. She will do what she wants to do and I simply have to wait to hold her when she comes back with tears in her eyes. In those cases, I keep doing the explaining, cajoling, yelling and placing limits – not direct limits, but indirect ones that give her little time to do her stuff – but wait with as much patience as I can while trying to keep frustration in mental check. Unhealthy friendships fall into this category.

Critical Things

These are things where she has to do what I see is good for her and absolutely necessary. Like her academics and her food habits. I can’t say I am wholly satisfied, but by and large, ok with what she does. I wish I could add exercise habits here, but unfortunately, it rests in the non-critical category currently because she’s in her 12th. At any given point in time, there’s just so many things one can place in the critical category.

So our relation lives on in a healthy form and we share a good laugh often. I believe we are friends to the extent that I answer her discomfiting questions – if she’s asked the question, she’s probably ready to hear some part of the answer and I remain a parent whom she respects and listens to – by and large.

Do I take credit for this? Not wholly. I am lucky to have her.

How I Knew My Calling

My friend asked me – How did you know that writing’s your calling?

I didn’t. The calling found me.

Try a Bunch of Things – I had to try a few things before the calling struck me as the right one. Some people simply know. Others have to muddle their way through. I am a muddler.

Recognize the Thing you Like – I didn’t recognize it at first. Writing was just another thing I did because I had time to spare. I wrote the first short story for my two-year old. Ideas for more stories turned up. Then I liked it more. It fit my nature like a hand in glove and I was a better person when writing.

Work the Kinks Out. Better Still, Don’t Get Caught in One – I wrote for a few years. But when given a chance to do marketing, I took it after I made sure I would still be writing. My post graduation had been in management. For years, I had the niggling thought that I haven’t done that. Maybe I took it because I had to get the kink of management out of my system. Slowly, marketing took over and I was writing nothing at all. But, sanity returned and I found myself getting bored with marketing.

Your Calling Keeps Coming Back – For a While At Least – Meanwhile, writing receded to a deep corner. But opportunities kept coming once in a while. Writing didn’t let me forget it.

Plenty of Ways to make a Tough Choice Easy – Part-time, Night Time, Early Morn Time, Weekend Time – I tried them all. Then a day came when I had to make the choice – to stick with marketing and keep my financial life comfortable and stable. Or walk from it and do what I loved. Thank God, I walked – despite the uncertainty of not having money beyond six months and of not knowing if I’d ever get published.

Gives Happiness – I realize, the path is the destination.  I’ve been having the greatest time since I gave myself to writing kids’ stories. Success will come in its own sweet time. Or not.

Teaching Confidence – Let Her Be Herself

We took the brand new, bright-blue Micra out one busy evening.

“Do you have someone to stand guard on it through the day and night?” asked Mr Duggal, my driving instructor.

“No,” said I.

“What if there’s a big scratch? What would you do?” he asked.

“What could I do?” said I. “I wouldn’t know who’s done it.”

“So when you take it out today,” said Mr Duggal, “The car may get a few scratches. It’s not any worse than an anonymous someone scratching it,” he said.

I smiled.

“So forget the scratches you might make and drive on,” said Mr Duggal.

 

Teaching confidence doesn’t come of warning your child

Of all the things she could break

When the most important thing is for her to learn.

Nobody ever learnt 2 things at a time.

1. To learn a thing

2. Without a scratch

Important thing isn’t that there never is a fall

But that she knows it’s ok to fall

And gets up when she does.

This helps her loosen up and be herself.

That’s how she builds confidence

And resilience and the zillion other things that give her success and peace.

 

Teaching Confidence – They Know Best

Within 500 Feet

Nearby foreclosures depress home prices, says a recent Harvard Daily Stat.

The same applies to our lives too.

Nearby corruption

Nearby depression

Nearby violence

Nearby goodness

Nearby happiness

Nearby greatness

There are an uncommon few who rise above their surroundings and create a good life for themselves – or bad lives. But for the rest, our surroundings affect our behaviour more than we’d care to think.

The stat goes on to say – “The presence of a foreclosed property within a distance of 250 feet depresses a home’s price by about 1%. The effect is cumulative, with multiple nearby foreclosures depressing the value of other properties by several percentage points.”

One violent person may not turn the others violent. But a family of them can. A village of them most certainly can. A country of them, well, we’ve seen it with WW II.

“A distance of 500 feet is required for a home to be unaffected by a foreclosure.”

If you are the uncommon kind who can remain unaffected, by all means, live where you please. But, if there’s the least inkling that it is affecting you, stay the metaphorical 500 feet away.

To know whether you are where you want to be, think of what you want to live your life by. If your real life doesn’t match with that, remove yourself from the 500 feet circle.

Since you can’t move yourself physically out of where you are, how can you stay away?

By watching your every thought and every act.

And making the tiny correction each time you deviate.

Making your Choices

Making your choices has little to do with safety.
Sometimes, they look like safe choices,
Other times, they don’t.
That’s when people can’t understand you.

Sometimes, they say – you are doing the easy thing.
Other times, they say – you are limiting your choices.
Yet other times, they say – what’s the point?

You aren’t doing the easy thing. You’re doing what your heart tells you to.
You aren’t limiting yourself. You’re focusing.
Finally, the point is – you’re doing what you’re meant to do.

They may not know your reasons.
They will attribute their reasons to your act.
And it won’t make sense to them.
Those opinions don’t count.

So long as you can truly hear your heart,
Go make your choice.
Make your place in the world.
It’s your dream, your experiment, your life.