My Daughter Said…

Today, after a long time, Priya asked me for a drive.

I don’t say no to the drives because that’s when she talks to me – even a 15 minute talk is good enough considering that most of us don’t get to communicate in a two-way street with our teens. But today was a longer one.

She said, “Mom, you are lenient with me.”

I can’t feel good about that. I’m supposed to maintain the perfect balance – not too harsh, not too lenient. But I got to thinking and decided to explain to her how the rules worked. These rules help me decide the freedom I give to her.

Non-Critical Things

That the thing is not so critical that I can’t give her a long rope. Reluctance to clean up, keeping in touch with family kind of things. In such things, I let her have some leeway after of course telling her what’s the right course and what’s not. And let her learn from it. Touch wood, she does, sometimes within months, sometimes in a year or two. Even then, it takes her a while to gear herself up to act on it, but with some gentle nudges she does it.

Blocked Out

These are things where she blocks me out and will not listen. No amount of explaining, cajoling, yelling and placing limits helps. She will do what she wants to do and I simply have to wait to hold her when she comes back with tears in her eyes. In those cases, I keep doing the explaining, cajoling, yelling and placing limits – not direct limits, but indirect ones that give her little time to do her stuff – but wait with as much patience as I can while trying to keep frustration in mental check. Unhealthy friendships fall into this category.

Critical Things

These are things where she has to do what I see is good for her and absolutely necessary. Like her academics and her food habits. I can’t say I am wholly satisfied, but by and large, ok with what she does. I wish I could add exercise habits here, but unfortunately, it rests in the non-critical category currently because she’s in her 12^th. At any given point in time, there’s just so many things one can place in the critical category.

So our relation lives on in a healthy form and we share a good laugh often. I believe we are friends to the extent that I answer her discomfiting questions – if she’s asked the question, she’s probably ready to hear some part of the answer and I remain a parent whom she respects and listens to – by and large.

Do I take credit for this? Not wholly. I am lucky to have her.